The Best Burger I Ever Had

Sometimes people ask me, “Peter, what was the best burger you ever had?”

It was almost a year ago, and yet I remember it like it was yesterday. We are having company over and I’d had burgers on the brain recently. I’d had a discussion with a friend about Kobe beef and was curious to try it, but the price tag…. So maybe a Kobe burger would be more budget friendly.

With tender burgers on the brain, I make my way to Costco to get the meat. Costco isn’t the cheapest, but for the quality, it is the most consistent value. There are always nicely marbled and thick rib-eye steaks. They even had a small chunk of Filet Mignon, a quite spendy cut itself, which I picked up for the wife and I to enjoy in celebration of our Anniversary over the weekend.

No Kobe at Costco, but once in a while you can find USDA Prime, which is usually reserved for Steakhouses. But when it comes to burgers, you are looking more for flavor than tenderness, since the meat is ground anyways. Sirloin is probably the most flavorful steak, and therefore makes a great burger.

Another way to make a good burger great is to grind your own meat. My wife being a pastry chef, she has a nice mixer, and we invested in the meat grinding attachment. Food processors also will work in a pinch, as long as you pulse it lightly. If you let it fly and multi-task, you will be squeezing your burgers onto the grill with a pastry bag. Burger paste is NOT tasty.

I am able draft behind another cart and quickly slide over to the Sirloin department to pick out some nice steaks for conversion into burger heaven.

Once home, I put them in a metal bowl in the fridge. The next day I am at work and have a conversation with my wife, who has just picked the kids up from school. “Honey can you grind the sirloin for the burgers”. She does.

On my way home, she calls and confirms that the meat has been ground. (Don’t worry, this is pre-cell phone laws). Despite the fact that these are not Kobe beef, the fact that they are freshly ground and seasoned, should make for a very tender and delicious burger. I begin to look forward to them.

Upon my arrival, I open the fridge to size up my task. The metal bowl is still there.

And the undisturbed, whole steaks.

“Honey I thought you said you ground the meat,” I say, perplexed.

“I did,” she says, slightly annoyed that I would doubt her word.

I look back at the bowl, at the Sirloin steaks. Wondering: if they are still here, then what did she gr….

THE FILETS!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! “You ground the filet!!” I said frantically, looking at the empty space that formerly held the sealed package.

For a billionth of a second, I slip into denial. I can fix it. I can put it back toget….. “I can’t believe you ground filet mignon!!”

She is incredulous at first. The filet was in a vacu-pak and (label aside) looked like it maybe could have been a sirloin (if you didn’t look at the next shelf down where two sirloin steaks would have been staring you in the face).

I take it hard. I am devastated. My filet…. gone. I go into the garage, as if there, a time machine would await, or a giant “undo” button. But there is no “undo” button. Only tools, laundry and the darkness of my own thoughts. It takes what seems like several minutes, but I finally regain my composure.

“What the hell, should make a damn good burger!” I proclaim. And so it did.

I put the ground sirl…. filet in a mixing bowl, add some pepper and a few drops of Worcestershire sauce, and form my patties. I salt to taste before they go on the grill. Given that we are dealing with a very tender meat here, not too much time on the heat. 4 minutes a side should be plenty, but always test for doneness.

Oh, and you would no sooner smash your patties into the grill grates than you would stab your steak with a fork. It may be hard, and you may have to ask your spouse, significant other or friend to smack you if the spatula gets anywhere near the top of the burgers. Smashing makes the juice come out, leaving even your filet burger as juicy as a shop rag.

So as they are on the grill our guests arrive. Still feeling somewhat scarred from the experience, I recall the episode to our friends with a mixture of bewilderment and joviality.

Then comes the kicker.

One of our guests had just that day received a pink slip, now soon to be in the job market. With that, the rest of the recovery is complete. If I have to serve filet mignon burgers, then dammit, this is the perfect occasion. After all, when life kicks you in the groin, nothing picks you up off the ground and tries to make you stand upright, like a good steak. Even if it is ground first.

I eventually tried a Kobe beef burger (Note: this may be the ONLY thing I advise you to eat without bacon. The chewy and/or crunchy texture of the bacon overtakes the tenderness of the meat. If you need bacon that bad - and nobody here would judge you for that - order it on the side).

But to this day, that filet mignon was the best burger I ever had.